A year on the Internet

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th  time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I Receive the 000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending Me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant f reaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping the petrol.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use cling film wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave any more because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Pret a Porter since they are French and don't support our British troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer have any trainers-- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up 0 dropped in the car parking because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:47 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day

...... AND
A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their E-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...