Headlines to ponder

Crack Found on  Governor's Daughter   
[imagine that!]      

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says   
[no, really?]       

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers    
[now that's taking things a bit far!]       

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?     
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]      

Panda Mating Fails;  Veterinarian Takes Over   
[what a guy!]      

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[good-for-nothin',  lazy so-and-sos!]      

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]       

War Dims Hope for Peace    
[I can see where it might have that effect!]     

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.  
[you think?]      

Cold Wave Linked  to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]     

Couple Slain; Police   Suspect Homicide 
[they may be on to something!]   

Red Tape Holds   Up New Bridges 
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]  

Man Struck By Lightning   Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]  

Astronaut Takes   Blame for Gas    in Spacecraft 
[They really shouldn't serve beans at the Space Center.]    

Local High School  Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]     

Hospitals are Sued   by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]  

And the winner is....  

Typhoon Rips Through   Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
[Did I read that sign right?]

This reminds me of the sign at the road going into the cemetery in Grimsby, Ontario:  "No Exit."
(You don't have to rub it in.)