Staff reductions

All employees
Big Company Ltd


Dear Big Employee

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are in the position where we must cut down on our number of personnel. However, we must ensure the retention of younger people who represent our future, Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year will be put into immediate effect.

This new programme is known as SLAP (Severance of Late-aged Personnel). Employees who are slapped be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside Big. Slapped employees may request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the programme is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers). All employees who have been slapped and screwed may file an appeal with senior management.

This new appeal process is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be slapped once, screwed twice but may be shafted as many times as Big deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to contract HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are the new benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be slapped or screwed by Big. Management wishes to assure the younger employees remaining on board that Big will continue its policy of improving staff capabilities through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees get. We have given our staff more SHIT than any employer in our area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your line manager should already be fully equipped to make sure you get as much SHIT as possible.

And once again, thanks for all your years of service.

Yours etc
A Nonny Mous
Chief Executive